9. I WANT I WANT I WANT

14th March 2012

Hey all this is not the next stage of my story sorry but just a random blog because my mind is racing. I am having what I like to call a ” 5 year old’s moment”. They occur now on a regular basis since the start of this process, actually I am sure they probably existed prior to it too but I never noticed! Anyway its basically when I JUST WANT MARK. Its that simple. Its when my brain forgets everything I have learnt over the past 18 months, any coping skills, any logic, any kind of acceptance of this nightmare and it purely focuses on the fact I can’t have what I want the most, MY HUSBAND, my best friend, my lover, my companion, my “better half”, the person who makes me laugh out loud, who makes me feel so safe when he is with me, the person who strokes my back to make me fall asleep, the person who would go to the ends of the earth for me and who I would go to the ends of the earth for…. I JUST WANT MARK….

I want to look into his eyes, right into them without having to look through glass and metal bars. I want to hear his voice and feel his lips as he whispers in my ear instead of an old, dirty telephone. I always joke with him that once he is home I will never talk to him on a telephone again…  I want to walk down the road holding his hand with our fingers entwined. I want to do our garden together the way we did before, I want to drag him shopping, I want to go to the pictures and the beach together, I want to sit in the same room as my husband in silence, just taking each other in, I want to go for a walk in Marley Park like we used to. I want to do the things we didn’t get a chance to do yet like celebrate our marriage with both Mark’s and my family together, go on holidays on our own, go to a comedy show together, run our business together, have a baby, plan our life in Albania together, with our (future) little house on the side of the mountain, and a vegetable patch with a pig and chickens and lots of lemon and orange trees.                                 I want OUR life back.

I don’t want this existence that is our lives now, I don’t want this nightmare, watching my husband slowly become institutionalized, wasted in a place where his one and only challenge is to survive. I don’t want to live in Greece but I don’t want to be home in Ireland where I can’t see him. I don’t want to get up in the morning yet I don’t want to go to sleep at night. I don’t want my parents and family to suffer for my choices and decisions in life. I don’t want to be a burden on them yet I can’t survive without their help. I don’t want to be nearly 29 and feel like I am 9 years old. I don’t want to feel like a failure. I don’t want Mark to feel guilty because I feel like this. I don’t want to feel guilty for relying so much on others.

I want to take control of my life again, but I don’t want to do it alone. I want Mark back, I want him now, beside me in bed to help me go asleep, to make this knot in my stomach go away, to smooth the frown lines that have taken up permanent residence between my eyebrows. To help me take control of my weight. To help me smile and relax and eventually let go of all this venom that has taken over my mind, body and soul. I want and so very badly need Mark to come home now.

Good night Mark xxx Love you with all my heart xx

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