18. January 2012 remembered in horror

4th June 2012

Hi everyone. I have been having a few rough days this week but thought I was finally picking myself up out of it this evening. I spent the past few hours making a slideshow for our upcoming fundraiser and actually managed to focus and get some work done. Just saved it and off to bed with myself for a good nights sleep before a busy day tomorrow and all I find myself doing is reliving the events of January 2012 in my head and before I know it there are tears streaming down my cheeks again and my head feels like it is going to explode with the conversations the different parts of my brain are having with each other so hence the late night blogging…

I will begin by saying January 2012 will go down in history as a vile disgusting month. Its the time in my life when I lost every ounce of faith in man kind to do the right thing. Where being a hard working honest person means nothing and that the balance of power between human beings is an absolute joke. Who gives anybody the right to take away another persons liberty anyway… The day the verdict and sentence were declared is up there with the day we found out the boys were being held in prison on remand. The absolutely crushing, suffocating feeling, devastating, when your whole body and heart just breaks into a million pieces, when everything floods out of you in wails and tears, debilitating grief that makes you collapse in the middle of the street and wail until the point that you can’t breathe.

Except in January added to the pain of the grief was ANGER. Raging, all-consuming, unbearable anger. It was so overwhelming that I think that at this point I could have actually physically hurt somebody had I not had the support of my family there. I was raging and wanted to make the people who had hurt me so much to feel my pain. At the same time I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me and take me away from all this pain, I wanted to jump in front of line of traffic outside the courthouse (only it was moving too slow) all of the while not even being able to stand up. I was angry when my father tried to wrap his arms around me to make the hurt go away, but when he stopped I was angry he stopped holding me. I was furious when Marks brother tried to console me and tell me it’s all okay and we can get through 2 more years of this, telling him to f*** off, that none of this was okay and then kicking the tree. All before the crazy lady came up shouting at me in Greek claiming I had all her money in Ireland. At that point I told her what I thought of them all but I fear if I had not have been surrounded by my family and armed police officers I am certain my anger for her would have exploded at this point.

But my absolute breaking point was watching the Chief Judge and Prosecutor, leave the courthouse and walk right through the middle of the crowd of family and friends of the innocent men they had just sentenced to 18 years in prison. Particularly when the prosecutor slapped on the smirk she had dawned for the entire week, at that point I wanted HER, and only HER to feel the hurt I, my family and Mark’s family were all feeling at that point.

This anger has not disappeared as the months have drifted by, however it doesn’t bubble and boil on the surface, it lies constant in the back of my mind and in my heart. It’s such a disgusting feeling, to be angry at the world, and I try to not dwell on it, and at times I can cover it up with other stuff but it is always there. At the moment it is more prominent than the isolation, loneliness and sense of loss. And surfaces in my wanting somebody to be held responsible for this nightmare. I want HER to never work again, I want THOSE MEN to be punished for lying in court, I want THEM to be locked up for physically hurting Mark and Andreas. At times I can push all this to the back of my mind, and these times I am most productive with our campaign but when all of this comes to the surface, usually coupled with such a huge sense of loss and loneliness its just absolutely unbearable.

So that is what January 2012 will be remembered as, it is never forgotten, never leaves my  mind for even a second, its all consuming, slowly eating away at the person I once was. I just pray I find the strength to fight back soon and start to find pieces of myself again, but I honestly don’t see how that can even begin to happen until Mark comes home. So until then I just pray for strength, and patience for those surrounded by me and who keep me alive. Love you.

Naten e mire x