12. Where are we now?

4th April 2012

Hi all, I’m sorry it has been a while since my last blog, things have been a bit hectic. I am having a rubbish day and wanted to rant and let it out so feel free to ignore this blog if you want. I’m back in Crete since last Friday and feel lost since I got here. I always said “I’m better when I am in Greece” but I don’t feel it at the moment. I’ve been going non stop trying to get my apartment sorted since I got back, trying to make it feel a bit more like a home now rather than just a stop gap. I have thrown myself into the apartment, painting furniture, buying some new furnishings etc and I am now feeling guilty because I have neglected my responsibilities for Mark, this site and his campaign. I also think I have been on such a high that today I have just crashed and burned and it came to a head with me exploding at Mark during my visit this morning because he left me sitting on a bench until 10.45 (visiting time ends at 11.00) while he spoke with his sister. I stormed out of the prison in floods of tears, with all the other visitors and guards looking at me like I am a absolute nutter, while Marks sister tried to tell me it is all ok, and me telling her to just leave me alone, through the tears and my broken cocktail language… So now I am back home, in my bed at 2.30 in the day feeling like the biggest selfish 28 year old child in the world. I haven’t been able to stop crying all day and I am trying to justify my outburst to myself but I know it is not acceptable. But I get so frustrated with the situation that when one simple thing is off I cannot cope. This has been a big side effect of this situation, my lack of ability to cope with situations that prior to Mark’s arrest I would have just taken in my stride. For example Mark’s eldest brother telling me to wait until Monday to visit Mark when I arrived last Friday, or several family members here telling me how to arrange my furniture in the apartment, or getting TOLD to bring people here and there after only just arriving back, or getting grief about the dog I had last year chewing a wire from a spit. All silly stupid things, but when I have my negative head on, cause me to have a meltdown. I know I am just readjusting to being back in Crete and I suppose I thought I could just slot back into my old life here and back to my same routine with Mark but it hasn’t happen straight away and I am really struggling to cope with that.

This is going to sound so stupid and childish but I feel like people have discovered mine and Mark’s secret!! We had figured out the best times for our visits, and nearly always had the visiting space to ourselves, remember I described our little coffee dates in an earlier blog. Well others have cotton on to that now and these times are jam packed with people now. Plus I have brought family members to all of the visits since I have been back so I get less time and its less intimate. I suppose the real reason these things are causing me agro is I feel very distant from Mark at the moment. We have been through phases like this before, as in every relationship you go through times when you just get on with things and nearly co-exist, and I know the fact that I have been in Ireland for nearly  two months has also attributed to this feeling of distance. Also when there is glass and metal barriers keeping one member of that couple away from the other and they exist in two separate societies it becomes even harder to maintain the bonds. I know me and Mark have a strong relationship and this is all normal and I know I am just having an extremely “self-pitying day” but I need those three 1-hour coffee dates, as intimate as they can be to help me fell connected to my husband and to feel like a wife. Because most of the time at the moment I just feel like I am in my own with an automated message at the end of the phone line, that I can’t even call when I need something, that I have to wait for somebody else’s schedule. It is the lack of control over my life, the lack of ability to cope with the people in my life, the lack of stability, all of it is just so frustrating.

I was with a friend yesterday and her son on the beach, throwing stones into the sea. He is 19 months this month and was born 5 days after Marks arrest. I have watched him grow into a little boy, he is trying to talk loads now, learning new skills its wonderful. But it hit me yesterday that in all that time this little baby has grown into a little boy, discovering the world, learning to talk, eat, walk, laugh and play, Mark has been away. They have taken all that time away from us that we will never get back. I know if you just say 19 months. in the grand scheme of things, in a lifetime its not much but all of the life that Mark and I have missed out on together in those months is irreplaceable. And that sucks…

Sorry this is such a downer of a blog it is just were I am at today. And as the doctor said you can only stay low for so long before your body makes you pick yourself back up again mentally (I always hang onto this thought when I am low). Mark has just called and wants me to come in to visit him now. Second time lucky today, maybe…..

I’ll try do another blog later with the next part of our story this evening if I am up to it. Thanks for reading if you stuck it out until now

Chow x

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